Poring's Paradise: December 2007

All credit goes to http://www.happy.com.my/, NOT me. ^^

Old Loving
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young girl in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal."Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend."Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're90."

Young Business Man
A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"

Yummy Peanuts
A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he's driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them."We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says. So, the puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

FBI Funny
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?""I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.""Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.The phone rings at the neighbor's house.Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?""Sure Did!""Did they chop your firewood?!""Yep!""Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"

Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!!!"The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!! PLEASE LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"

Substitute Teacher
A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."Right away, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Prayer
This was an accident, not a practical joke, but funny nonetheless. My sister works as a medical assistant in a surgeon’s office. Occasionally she calls patients to go over pre-surgery instructions. One patient she called recently was an elderly woman. My sister went over all the instructions with her and at the conclusion of the call wanted to remind the patient to arrive early so the nurses would have time to prep her. As my sister spoke, she was thinking 'prepare' and 'prep' at the same time. She accidentally said to the patient, "Ma'am please arrives one hour early for PRAYER." Before my sister had a chance to correct herself, the elderly patient had a shaky reply, "Ooh..my."
Ps: The "My", DOES NOT refers to me!!!

Deaf Man's Test
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

Camels For A Wife
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Right Turn
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green. She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right. The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green." The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED."

Tree Drink
What is a tree's favorite drink?Root beer!

Sharks and Clowns
Why don't sharks eat clowns?Because they taste funny!

Serious Hearing
An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased."To which the elderly man said, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

Mother in Law Funeral
A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral.As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said: "Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!"The husband replied, "I know, I thought I saw her move!!"

Wrong Way
As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang।Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94। Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

Baseball in Heaven
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Just like they did every day, Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Solomon thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal:

If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven."

They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on.

One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," said Sol.

Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching here on Friday."